By Patricia Tang
Day One
Life was black and white. But, for the first time in years, I finally see it in color. The vibrant Technicolor from the old Disneys, in fact.
Today was a Monday. I hated Mondays. In a stunning turn of events, though, this Monday was different. Usually everything about my life is turbulent, panicked, and anxious. Not today. I felt peace. It’s like I’ve found something that I haven’t had before. Can one decision truly change the color of life? The jury is undecided.
Breakfast was good. I had a bowl of Froot Loops, as usual. I’ve always known that all of them taste the same despite their varying colors. It’s weird, though; today, I could swear that the reds tasted different from the greens.
I sat next to Kimberley on the bus today. She’s fighting with Henry again. It’s as if their entire relationship is one big malicious back-and-forth, kind of like Oberon and Titania’s, before their happy ending. I hope Kimberley and Henry get a happy ending.
Kimberley debated with herself on whether or not to speak to Henry again. I advised her that it would be a permanent solution to an impermanent problem, and that she would be able to work things out. She hugged me and cried; I patted her back and smiled.
School was okay, I guess. Kimberley needed a lot of love today, so I gave her all that I could.
I went to talk things over with Henry after school. Despite Kimberley’s obviously biased opinion, it appeared that she was also at fault, and extremely so. He complained, I listened.
After dinner today, Kimberley called. She had talked with Henry, and things seemed to work themselves out.
Day Two
I got a ride to school today from my old friend Jane in her dad’s pickup truck. It was, surprisingly, a really smooth trip. She was obsessed with a book she had read the other day about how life was finite, and that we had to seize every day and treat it as if it was our last. She explained how she was going to live by the ideas written in the book, and that she was really excited to live a more vibrant life. She grinned, and gave me her new motto: “carpe diem.” Seize the day. I smiled.
Good for her. She’s never looked so fulfilled before. I hope I get that sense of fulfillment soon.
School was okay. I failed a couple of tests, but I’m not worried. Yes: for the first time in forever, I’m absolutely fine. No worries.
I went downtown to grab something to eat between school and cheer today. Pizza is so greasy, but yet so fulfilling. Guilt and pizza once went hand in hand in my mind, but consequences just don’t seem to mean much to me anymore. I can tolerate gaining a few pounds for some pizza. It’s a good thing. I promise.
On the way to the pizza parlor, I saw a man, shivering on the side of the road with nowhere to go and nothing to shelter him from the cold November. I spent all of my allowance for the week on a large veggie pizza, the kind with olives. I shared the pizza with the guy. His face lit up with surprise, gratefulness, and a little bit of alarm.
“God bless you,” I remember him saying. That meant a lot. God, if you’re reading this, I hope that you’ll save a spot in Heaven for me, for I am the pizza Samaritan. It’s not much, but it sure is something.
Realistically, though, I guess I’ll need a lot more good deeds to raise me up to Heaven. That’s fine; I’ve given up on Heaven already.
Cheer practice was fun. It’s easier to be a cheerleader when you actually feel like cheer is something that you can tolerate. Coach said that my performance improved significantly from last week, which is nice.
After practice, Tara and Yasmine asked me if I wanted to bake cookies tomorrow to give to the cheer team on game day. I accepted; I want to spend more time with them. Honestly, I thought they hated me. It was a huge surprise.
I’m in bed and I can hear sirens, reminders that people are dying as I write this. These people might not have meant anything to me, but they meant something to someone. More importantly, though, the sirens remind me that life ends, and nobody can escape its finiteness. Jane is right about this “carpe diem” business. When everything around me disappears, I need to make sure that I have exactly the right things to remember.
Day Three
I woke up from a bad dream last night to find the patio wet, shining like a bronze mirror. The weather urged me to head to school early so that I could walk there and admire the world after the rain. I have to have good things to remember when I’m gone. This beautiful morning is one of them. Everything shimmers when it’s wet, as if the world is made of diamonds. I felt that peace again. It feels good. I was calm, as if my worries had left with the rain itself.
School happened, I suppose.
After school, Yasmine’s mom picked us up in her station wagon. After the most reckless driving I have ever experienced, we arrived at Yasmine’s house. It’s basically a castle, much to the surprise of nobody. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it in a lifestyle magazine.
We went to their kitchen, which was stocked with every single kitchen appliance in existence. An indoor barbecue, a panini press, a shaved ice maker; they had it all. It was like God’s kitchen; bless that kitchen. I bet all kitchens in Heaven are like that. It’s too bad that I gave up on Heaven: I’m really missing out on some good cutlery.
I did most of the baking while Tara and Yasmine watched from the dining room through the bar and talked about whatever teenage girls talk about. I didn’t know what I expected. I worked and tried to avoid their scrutinizing glares. At one point, I spilled some baking powder and managed to cake my cheeks with it. They giggled. I ignored them with a confident smile and kept working. What they think doesn’t really matter to me anymore.
The cookies turned out great anyway. They looked and smelled delicious. I am a good baker, after all.
I went home with one tray of snickerdoodles. Kimberley called about my time with Tara and Yasmine. I told her what happened, in the most neutral tone I could muster. Kimberley told me not to worry about it; an optimistic mindset will solve all. I thanked her for her kind and insightful advice, and told her that it would help me immensely.
It’s three in the morning, and I haven’t slept a wink, because I can’t.
Day Four
I had to walk to school again because of the snickerdoodles. It was a long walk, and I was sweating when I got to school. Yes, I enjoyed it. I never cease to surprise myself. The ground was dry today, but I found it equally as pleasant. Another good thing to remember, I suppose. There was a little bit of dew on the lawns, though, so there was still a little bit of light reflected on the ground, a tiny light show compared to yesterday’s. It’s okay though. Diamonds are still spectacular when they are sparse and small.
Looking back, I’m not really sure why I brought the snickerdoodles to cheer. It would have been more like me to keep them all at home for Mom and Dad in light of the events with Tara and Yasmine. Past me would have wanted to spite them by not allowing them to have what they did not work for, Little Red Hen style. But, I didn’t. I guess one decision can really change a person. As Jane said, “carpe diem.” Even the worst people are still important.
I was so tired today; I’m pretty sure I slept in every single one of my classes. Not that it would have made a difference if I didn’t, though.
After school, I went to cheer practice, cookies and all. Then, I went home.
Mom and Dad weren’t home, so I made some instant macaroni and cheese for my brothers and me. It wasn’t exactly a gourmet meal, but it’s important to appreciate it still. And, I read a nice book in bed today by Virginia Woolf. There was a lovely quote in it: “You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” How poetic and naïve a statement.
Today was kind of a hump day. Is that what they call them? Not that it matters anymore, anyway. I can’t really do anything but smile.
Day Five
It’s finally the last day of the school week. I stole Dad’s bike and rode to school today. Convenience, in this case, ruled over honesty. Dad won’t notice, and it was a lot more comfortable than walking.
Today was alright. All my homework was due today, but I turned in none of it. My teachers were concerned; I’ve always been immaculate with homework. I’m not exactly bothered for some reason, though, and my teachers have no reason to worry either. So, I guess I’m okay.
No friends to meet today. Kimberley’s home sick.
Dad did notice that I stole his bike. All he had to say about the matter? “It’s unlike you.” Not like it matters, anyway. The punishment I got out of my escapade was a probation on bike usage for a month, which I can take. I won’t be using a bike much soon, anyway.
In other news, tonight was family game night. I don’t enjoy spending time with family, but it was necessary. We played Chutes and Ladders, my all-time favorite. I won, of course. The lesser brother, Jimmy, was a close second, while the better one, Matthias, was dead last, coming in behind even mom and dad. It was the most fun I’ve had in years. I’ve realized today that I really do appreciate my family a ton. I had a weird feeling in my chest after tonight.
Kimberley called me; she wants to watch Saturday Night Live tomorrow.
That’s about it.
Day Six
I woke up before dawn today to take my brothers on a hike. There’s a really nice cliff a short way from the house. It’s famous for having fossils, changing tides, and a long way down. Tourists even come to see it, which makes it pretty important for a cliff. I didn’t even know cliffs could be important.
Jimmy made some food to eat once we were at the top of the cliff sometime between our departure and the last time I saw him. I used to have the duty of making all of it, but Jimmy needs to know how to make the traditional family hiking nourishment without me now. His masterpiece of the day was sandwiches for all of us. They weren’t really your average sandwiches. He managed to make sandwiches with macaroni in them, with the powdered cheese and all. He did a terrible job, but I’m still really proud of him for trying.
It’s a long hike to the cliff; it’s almost entirely uphill. Jimmy and Matthias complained the entire time. My ears were filled with shrieks of “my feet hurt!” and “are we there yet?” and “I’m tired!” There wasn’t a lot of variety to their complaints, though I believe Matthias did claim to see a rattlesnake at one point. I don’t even think there are rattlesnakes in our area. I’m still glad they came with me, though.
We arrived at the clifftop just in time for sunrise. We munched on our weird macaroni sandwiches as the dawn slipped its rosy fingers across the sky. The flawless mix of colors in the sunrise is definitely one of the good things that I’ll remember. I looked to where the ocean met the sky, on that seamless horizon, and smiled. I wonder if I will be there someday, between the waves and the sky.
The trip back was an easy downhill run, so I heard no complaints from the boys.
I’ll really miss the two rascals. It seems like whenever anything is going wrong, they can always make things right.
It was a long hike, so I stayed at home and watched reruns of Saturday Night Live until Kimberley came over. We watched the latest episode; it was a good time as always. She left as soon as the credits rolled.
I can’t sleep again.
Day Seven
I spent the entire day at home. I didn’t go to church today with Jimmy and Matthias. Youth group is the least of my worries right now. Kimberley came over, though, and we played on the Wii all afternoon. Mom and Dad are out again, so dinner was macaroni, a rather bland last meal.
It’s one in the morning; I just finished calling Kimberley; she just went to bed.
I’ll miss you all.
The Day After
Opal Hills Drowning Victim Identified
Opal Hills, CA: A teenage girl drowned at Wisteria Cliff early Monday morning in what appears to be a suicide. She has been identified by the county coroner’s office as Cecile Johnson of Opal Hills, a local student and beloved member of the community.
Many were taken aback by this action that seemed to come out of nowhere, including fellow student Henry Choi of Opal Hills.
“She was just another normal kid, doing her thing. I never suspected anything,” he said.
“She was always there for you when you needed her. I just wish we were also there for her when she needed us too,” said Jane Fairfax, of Swanson.
Other students chose to remember her with written words. A memorial is set up at Wisteria Cliff. Moving messages and overflowed on the cliffside.
“You were such a good baker. Wish I got to know you better. Thanks for the great times,” one student named Tara wrote.
An online memorial is linked below, where Facebook users left photos and short notes to the deceased.
“It won’t be the same without you,” one user wrote.
“From now on, everything I do will be for you, Cecile,” wrote another.
In a public statement Tuesday morning, the Johnson family read the note left behind by Cecile before her journey to the cliff.
“To whom it may concern:
I have chosen death over life. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. I’ve been lost for years. It’s been hard to even get up in the morning. This is the right choice. Trust me. It’s because I feel like in my future, the bad outweighs the good. There’s no point in living, and I think this is the only option.
Don’t argue with me or look for me. This is what has brought me peace after all of these years. Just know that I am in a happier place now.
Love always,
Cecile”
However, the note came as a shock to many of Cecile’s closest friends, especially to Kimberley Sanchez, who was on a phone call with Johnson up until her departure.
“I’m not really sure why she did it. She never told me anything. She’s always been there for me, and I guess I wasn’t there for her. I always tried my best to offer her advice when she was upset, but maybe it wasn’t enough…why? Why? Why wasn’t it enough? I don’t know. I just don’t know why she did it,” she said, through tears, in an interview on county television Tuesday night.
“I’ve read that suicide victims often feel much happier, even euphoric after they decide that they are going to commit suicide because they feel at peace with their decision to solve their problems once and for all. Looking back, I think Cecile’s behavior last week matched that description perfectly. I just don’t understand; I guess I was just too preoccupied to notice anything. It’s my fault, and I should have been able to stop her before this happened. To the Johnson family: I am truly sorry. I don’t know what to do to help anymore, because there’s nothing to do. She’s gone. If I had stayed on the phone for a bit longer, maybe it would have helped. But, it’s too late. I just want her back. Oh, God. I want her back, I want her back, I want her back.”
Cecile leaves behind her mother, father, and two brothers.
Any person who is feeling depressed, troubled or suicidal can call 1-800-234-9110 to speak with a crisis counselor. People in San Juanito County can also call 1-836-234-4038. A list of local mental health resources is also available on the county website.
Patricia Tang is currently a junior at Gunn High School in Palo Alto, California. She has a passion for writing, and has shown versatility in her work, writing both fiction and nonfiction pieces. Notable accomplishments include writing blog posts about social justice for a California-based nonprofit, and winning Silver Keys in the west region of the Scholastic Art and Writing Contest for her poetry. In addition, Patricia is also an accomplished violist: she has appeared on NPR’s From the Top, and performs frequently at Davies Symphony Hall as part of the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra and at the San Francisco Conservatory of Music as part of its Pre-college Division.
