By Alice Paul
Dear CBS,
Did you consider the cost savings of hiring a woman to take over The Late Show with David Letterman?
Perhaps you hadn’t heard: President Obama announced that women (of which I am one) earn 33% of what their male (of which I am not) counterparts earn for the same job. If you’d listened to our Commander-in-Chief, you could have pocketed some serious coinage.
Oh, sure, there’s a certain comfort knowing that CBS continues late night’s male-dominated tradition. I mean, it’s not in CBS’s best interest to take a risk and hire a person who happens to have ovaries. [1] And, come to think of it, how funny are Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Chelsea Handler, Loni Love, Amy Schumer, Chelsea Peretti, Jenny Slate, Aisha Tyler (or insert name of a comedian without testicles[2] HERE)? They’re really not that hilarious. I mean, lump them all together (SNL, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, Inside Amy Schumer, Chelsea Lately, Talk Soup) and they might get as many laughs as one Stephen Colbert.
And, too, there’s something very comforting in late-night broadcasting’s consistent and unwavering decisions to keep a dude at the helm – even if you’re paying more for said dude. I mean, what if a woman comic gets hormonal? That would be awful. Think about it…she could get very tense and crabby on air. She might even sleep with her interns…
Wait. That’s cool, right?
Enough blather. Let’s do the math…
Say Letterman made about $24,000,000 (and change) between 2012 and 2013. And, let’s say that Stephen Colbert, the man taking over Letterman’s reins, makes half that – or $12,000,000.
“And now, like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.” — Amy Poehler
If you’d hired a woman, you could have saved over $4,000,000.
That’s Wal-Mart savings, men. Wal-Mart.
I’ve always liked David Letterman…but, and I’m just spit-balling here, I’m guessing that his female interns breathed a collective sigh of relief when he announced his retirement.
But that’s neither here nor there.
If CBS had played their negotiating cards right, they might have even bagged two women for the price of one man and, in light of corporate belt-tightening, that’s nothing to sneeze at.
I’m looking forward to Stephan Colbert, though. I like Stephan Colbert. He’s got a sharp satirical wit and, in the end, he’ll not upset the late-night apple cart.
I have to say, though, that I didn’t watch David Letterman. I didn’t watch Jay Leno. I haven’t (which doesn’t mean I won’t) watched Conan O’Brien or Jimmy Fallon or Jimmy Kimmel.
“For his role in Dallas Buyers Club, he lost 40 pounds, or what actresses call being in a movie.” — Tina Fey
I did (as a 40- to 60-year-old chick demo-type), watch every season of 30 Rock. I currently watch Parks and Recreation, Chelsea Lately, Inside Amy Schumer and SNL because I find those comedies (and comics) incredibly relevant and funny. Not because they’re women. Just because they’re flippin’ hysterical. I relate to them, I guess. I get them.
So, whatever, CBS… It’s your decision. If you’d hired a woman now, you could have saved up the dough to pay another woman 100% of what a man makes…that is, when women start earning equal pay for equal work.
Say, in about 20 years.
[1] Just to be clear, I feel comfortable using the word ‘ovaries’ because I, too, have ovaries. Just pointing this out so that a certain Chicago columnist doesn’t get his BVD’s in a twist about my use of this word in reference to females in general.
[2] Sorry about using that word. I do not have those.
Alice Paul is a famous suffragette who is ecstatic about the gains made by women.
